How to Move from Chaos to Clarity in Relationships
A famous Ayurvedic Physician says everything we experience in this universe is nothing but a relationship. By far, the biggest stress I hear from clients comes from their relationships. Relationships of all kinds can be beautiful opportunities to grow and expand our perspectives and practice loving-kindness, our bodhicitta. But of course, relationships can also be fraught with chaos, confusion, and resentment.
In graduate school, my clinical work was largely focused on using the Family Systems Theory with my patients. It is widely used in collectivist cultures. As a small child, I lived in India in a bungalow with my immediate family as well as my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.
Collectivist cultures can be wonderful because company is always there. However, you have to learn to adapt to and address difficulties head-on. As a sensitive empathic young girl, I learned very quickly that in order to survive in a large family with bigger personalities, I needed to understand my emotions and how to express them. I would be swallowed up whole otherwise.
The Systems Theory takes a holistic approach. The emphasis is on understanding that family or group members cannot be understood in isolation from each other, but rather as part of the whole. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but this means each member (including ourselves) is playing a part in maintaining a healthy or unhealthy dynamic.
Similarly, a presenting health symptom is rarely happening in isolation, but rather as part of our entire mind-body-spirit system.
Relationships are no different. We need to assess the whole system and our role in it to understand the core issue.
This theory is often used to work with and heal trauma patterns. It shifts us out of the Victim-Perpetrator-Rescuer dynamic also known as the Drama Triangle.
In families, members handle conflict in various ways. Some will suppress emotions or feel like a victim- sad, deflated, and hopeless. They often have an attitude of learned helplessness. Some are martyrs, ready to fix and rescue everyone from ever experiencing pain. They are often overstepping their boundaries and taking on others’ responsibility. Then, there are some who will react with anger and aggression, blaming everyone else. They are often self-righteous.
There are underlying issues and unmet needs which make everyone play out these roles. It’s essential to understand these through individual work.
The problem in this dynamic is that everyone is essentially skirting responsibility, enabling the entire family or group from growing and healing.
If even one person were to shift their role to be more steady and clear-minded, it will throw off the others into a different state and change the entire dynamic. The Drama Triangle can transform into the Empowerment Triangle of a Creator-Challenger-Coach dynamic.
Relationships bring up strong difficult intense emotions. If we don’t step back, practice mindful awareness, and understand the inner landscape of our own emotions, we can’t possibly take responsibility of them or communicate effectively. We will continuously oscillate between suppression and reaction which will ultimately keep us stuck in unhealthy dynamics and trigger old traumas.
Our inner transformation is key to changing our outer circumstances. As a Practitioner, this is really the essential core work to help clients be able step into new healthier enlightened ways of being.
